Salad? Sure, that’s what my dinner eats!, And Other Veganisms.


Salad for dinner?

You know what the best part about a BBQ is? Let me tell you. Close your eyes. Picture yourself walking through a friend’s living room, out the kitchen door, and into the backyard. There is a group of people talking and having a good time. You turn to your righ- WHAT IS THAT SMELL? Have I stepped into heaven?, you ask yourself. Something instinctual comes over you and your eyes glaze over. You continue to turn and see a man decked out in an apron that reads, Kiss The Chef. You pass. He’s in the zone, flipping burgers and chicken on the grill. Smoke is rising as he slathers another coat of butter onto the chicken. You should be salivating by now. If not, check yourself for a pulse. I don’t know how anyone can hold their veganism in when they go to a BBQ. I actually saw a Vegan’s face melt one time. Sad. Maybe you could throw a couple of sprouts on the grill for them?

Salad for dinner?

It’s not so much about being a vegetarian/vegan. It’s about the culture, the mindset. Everyone knows it is not healthy to eat a lot of meat. It just isn’t. The studies are in. There’s proof. But that doesn’t mean because you’ve elected to not partake of the meat, then you have the right, no, you have been chosen to show us lowly flesh eaters what are demise truly is. Woah. Back-up, Haight-Ashbury. Good for you. You’ve made a good choice. Now, go away and let me finish my double-double. In-N-Out, mmmmmm. Have you ever been to Tommy’s Hamburger in L.A.? Double chili with cheese, please.

Vegetarian salad

The joy I get when I take a bite out of a nice steak ranks right up there with shooting the winning free throw in my high school basketball game. Good times. Do you see me shaming some dirt eater to mend their ways before they get hoof and mouth disease? No, you don’t, thank you. I like this kind of protein. Tofu and soy taste like tree bark. I’m just sayin’. Have you ever had a tofu-burger?, a vegan might ask. No, I like my burgers to taste like a burger, not a two-year-old’s mud-patty. I’m sorry, but if vegetarianism requires time for you to get to like the food, then I’d rather stick my face into a bucket of wheatgrass juice and get it over with.

If you don’t eat meat, that’s fine. I don’t care. No, really. I DON’T CARE what you eat. Keep it to yourself.

Hey, can you pass the Hienz-57 while you’re over there?

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