How to Go to the Beach like a Boss
Summer is just around the corner and I know all of you have been hitting the gym getting your bodies into beach shape. It’s almost time to head to the water and lay among the beautiful people or maybe your cousin, Herb. I’ve been going to the beach my entire life. I was born when my parents lived in Corona Del Mar, for goodness sake. So, I know how to go to the beach. I’m tired of seeing people getting on the sand either woefully underprepared or moronically overprepared, sitting in the wrong places, putting the wrong things on their faces(rhymes). So I’ve created a go to beach guide, filled with information you won’t find in Nebraska.
First thing is the time you get there. What you don’t do is get there after noon. People think it’s okay to do errands or some other trivial pursuit AND THEN go to the beach. This is wrong. Because there are 1,000 other people doing the same thing you are and you are all getting there at the same dang time! Proper beach etiquette states you either arrive prior to 11am or after 3pm. After 3pm? Yes, Einstein, 3pm. Daylight savings gives us sun until 7:30 or so. That gives you four hours in the sun which is plenty. And you get to watch a beautiful sunset. YOUR WELCOME.
Second, what to wear. No cutoffs, blouses, t-shirts or anything other than a bathing suit. Nothing says “My annual trip to the beach” quicker than somebody wearing their gym gear to the beach. Which leads me to why anybody would go to the beach and not go in the water? That’s like going to Disneyland and not going on Space Mountain. What? But I don’t like the water. Then keep you rear end at home. The sand is crowded enough without any posers taking up my space.
Third, what to bring? Keep it simple. One chair, one towel, and one backpack/beachbag. That is all you need. No blankets. Oh my gosh. Are you kidding me? This is the beach, not the park for your picnic! Keep your blanket on your bed. All the stuff you want to bring to the beach had better be kept in your bag. Unless you have kids, then I understand. Really, your phone is all you need. Okay, maybe you can bring a frisbee. And some lotion. Which brings me to sunscreen/sun tan lotion. You need two things. One, some Coppertone Hi-Res Sunscreen and a tube of Ban de Soleil orange tanning gel. Okay, maybe Banana Boat instead of Coppertone. That’s it. I have to say I’ve been using the Ban de Soleil since forever and it rocks. You pull that out at the beach and people will know you are someone to contend with.
Fourth, where should we set up? Easy, you always want to be in the first wave of people off the shore. There is the water, then people frolicking right before the water, then you. You do not want to walk the Bataan death march on your way back to your towel. This way you get to see the action.
Follow these steps and I guarantee you will have the best beach going experience of your life. Money back guarantee.